Battlefields

Sometimes I feel like I am in a battle for the will of God. I pray that He will bless my many pursuits and wishes but many times I am left feeling hopeless because I know deep down that my opponent prays harder than I do and they will inevitably win God's favor and win the war. All that is a desire to manipulate God and His awesome power. Thankfully He won't let us manipulate Him and He's not dumb enough to fall for our tricks.

So what does it look like when I am praying that God will (for example's sake) close one "job opportunity door" because I don't want to work there and my dad is praying that God will open that door for me and that I will see that's where I am supposed to be?

I'm scared. When I think about where I will be a year from now and what all will have gone on already, I get really frightened, to the point of fearful tears. It's not a fear of something dangerous or harmful, or even something "scary" per se. It's a fear of the unknown. God does have a plan in mind and whatever happens is meant to happen and will work out for the best. I don't know how I would be able to sleep at night if I did not have this comfort. But it still leaves me with a fear of making the right choices...mostly just to make it easier on myself. I do believe man can make bad choices... not outside of God's plan, but just bad decisions that will take a while to work through.

A year from now I will have a job, hopefully, and will be setting into a new apartment with one of my friends. Both of my best friends will be half way around the world, one in South America and one in Europe. The rest of my pretty good friends will be scattered around the country and the world, also settling into their new apartments and jobs. Some will be getting used to being married and maybe living in a new house. Fewer yet may be approaching the immaculate experience of bringing another human life into the world. Some will be preparing to travel to the far east to fight for our freedom. Some will be moving to other places to fight for the Gospel. One or 2 may be fighting a loosing battle with cancer or other terminal diseases. In one year's time there may be many funerals and weddings and births. This might be somewhat morbid sounding, but the truth and the future are rarely pleasant, I have found.

Now is all I want to think about right now. Tomorrow I have the first of hopefully many interviews for a job after college. I have to worry about how to present myself in a way that will seem humble, yet confident... knowledgeable, yet ready to learn. Also I have to deal with the moral battle of convincing a company that I am excited about working for their company and that they should give me the job, when I don't even really want the position.

Such is life?